Masters Degree edition: Bonus round (because I'm a nostalgic fart)!
A: I just realised I want money for a cat and a house.
This is all.
B: Charlotte it's been years...
But you just made The Quotebook."They be the rebels of the groups, gotta 'snuff' them out early 😉'
"Maybe the wind???"
"I do wanna say you space is hecking bony"
A: But nice to get out the house really
Also I can stalk you hehehehehe
B: Definitely not a terrifying prospectI'm fighting my toughest battles (my sinuses are being annoying and blocked).
A: Duo and I are no longer besties :((
I have beef with the owl
B: Honestly, owl beef is valid."But what if... you are a robot in denial?!"
"And yes, my guy, the insta is once again ramming"
"The dildo of consequences rarely arrives lubed"
A: You're gonna work yourself to death
B: Did you just summarise my entire life philosophy?*A book about a woman who falls in love with a sentient fork* (I'm not even kidding): WHO THINKS OF THESE THINGS WORSE WHO THINKS OF THESE THINGS THEN WRITES 159 PAGES AND GETS IT PUBLISHED
A: Big noodle
B: That I am"I have opened pandora's box and unleashed Frankenstein's monster."
"HAVE NONE OF THESE PEOPLE HEARD OF A KETTLE?! TREACHERY I CRY!"
"DON'T PUT NUTS IN MY SHOES"
A: I just ate 4 doughnuts in one sitting on a TUesday afternoon just because I fancied it. This is peak uni life.
B: Drugs? Alcohol? Partying? No. Doughnuts.Gemma. I can't keep spending money. ...it's so pink and heart-shaped though 🥺
A: I'm happy your mum didn't swallow you
B: Same goes my dude 🤙"Testicles need to be adaptable"
"I've got f***ing glitter in my belly button"
"She is very slay, maybe not for the accidental overdose"
A: (to the tune of Stick Season by Noah Kahan) "CAUSE I LOVE LOOSE LEAF TEA BUT IT'S THE SEASON OF THE ICED COFFEE"
B: -It's also the season of the soup, but it's ALWAYS, it's ALWAYS soup season.
I. F***ing. Love. Soup. (Steady on!)See I'm not "bad at reading" I'm practicing Tsundoku* *A Japanese term that refers to a habit of buying books, but letting them lie unread
A: Fine by me but I'm sneakily feeding you edibles
Have this non-suspicious brownie
B: See I think that's called "spiking" and that's illigal
... I just wanted you to feel short for once :("THAT WAS MY CLAVICLE"
"Gemma. If you're fucking potatoes, tell me now."
"It's the delulu of delirious"
A: I'm not buying hot people's bath water
B: But it's not *just* bath water
It's special cumter
Bath cumter to be specific
A: *screenshots that for later*Is this... good advice? From Gemma? Not mocking me for falling in love with every man I lock eyes with for more than 2 seconds Are you ok?
A: A screaming orgasm for example
B: ...I'M SORRY?
A: Go to a bar and ask the bartender to give you a screaming orgasm Trust me.
B: Hey as long as you're ok with me asking other men for that.
A bit forward if you ask me."She's like Mormon in reverse"
'I reckon I could do with a lute. I love a good lute."
"This s*** is why I keep getting the periodic table song stuck in my head. But I'll take it over medieval French."
A: Yeah that really must not feel good
B: Insane emotional intelligence from you there Zach
A: Are you using sarcasm as a coping mechanism right now?
B: ...yes.How dare 2009 be 15 years ago I thought 15 years ago was like 2005 maybe How dare time move forward when I haven't given it permission to
A: Also, he bought us a gift that doens't involve disembowelment!
B: I'M SORRY?!"I'd keep lungs on my wall." (I'm sorry, WHAT?!)
"The garden of Eden was in Ohio, so in a way, we have all been to Ohio."
(a teenage boy about to burp but it just won't come out) "RELEASE ME!"
A: I do love meth
B: Not double suicide?
A: They are all just so good- That's it. I want to do them all.
B: Yayyy (I think?)The worms are experiencing armageddon That's for sure
A: Was really rainy yesterday so didn't go out and just finished making tea now-
B: YOU CALL IT TEA I AM CONVERTING YOU
YOU WILL BECOME NORTHERNISED
A: I blame you and my Welsh housemate
B: CONVERSION COMPLETE
A: NUUUU
STILL MORE TO GO
TOP OF THE MORNING TO YE
Wait that's not southern English
WANT SOME SCONES?!"I should not be trusted with big girl money."
"Not us girl mathing our way out of spending unspeakable amounts of money"
"Deadlines? Pfft! What are they?!"
A: Is he underneath something?
B: He'll be underneath the patio if he doesn't behave.
A: O-oh!
B: He hath appeared! He's out!
A: HE'S FREE
B: 🎶I'm stressed🎶
A: Ok*to the tune of I Can Do It With A Broken Heart* I cry a lot and I'm quite pathetic
[Phone notification: "Your fertile window may start in 3 days."]
A: Thanks for this Apple. What do I do with this?
B: You avoid pregnancy via use of sword
A: ...you want me to chop off my genitals?
B: No defend yourself from others, you sausage
A: WHO IS PLANNING ON IMPREGNATING ME?!
B: You can never be too prepared
C: Don't have the ~adult fun times~ or else, child"Bloody love Hay-on-Wye" (Understandable.)
"I love threatening to publish horrible things about people and ruin their lives unless they respond by a ultra specific deadline that I set 😎😈🔥"
"Man, I ain't ever pressure-washing my eyeball again." (This raises so many more questions)
A: I've got the flat to myself so
B: Ok new plan
We run around naked and perform rituals
A: CULT CULT CULT
B: 🔥🔥🔥
A: I'll get the blood sacrifice for the god PanDon't let me bite your ankles
A: What's your beaver contacts?
B: Tom, why DO you have so many beaver contacts?"STAB"
(woman speaking) "Great. I look like Gary Barlow."
"Sorry? You've got a moth man?!"
A: Sooo, which jags have we had lol
B: Most of them!
A: That isn't helpful.
B: What's a girl to do?
A: Maybe own less Jaaaags?! Oi. What's that revision thing with the angry, gay fish?
A: HOW DARE YOU RUIN MY DREAMS!
B: Maybe he had a brother?? "F*** you and your sensible logic"
"I rarely experience comfort"
“Attack of the coat-hangers, much? What is that modern art?”
"OFFER: Lonely fish plus accessories
One lonely fresh water Danio fish needs a new home and new friends. Comes with own tank including filter (complete with gravel and plants), castle and temple. Sorry they wouldn't pose for a better picture! Tank wateer is due for a change, but we didn't want to stress him out if he was moving anyway."
A: Would you like to home a lonely fish???????
B: PLUS ACCESSORIES?!?
I am sold
A: The whole shbang!
He has a temple and everything!
B: Mother. Home him
If Elvis* eat him that's his fault *my cat, not the dead singer! (Although that would be funny to imagine!)
A: That's exactly what I'm worried about. It would be like inevitably giving him a life sentence (the lonely fish, not the cat)
He might accidentally swallow him (the lonely fish)
B: (Plus accessories)
(You can't forget those)
A: What could a fish do to make you fall out of love with him????
B: Who?
A: The lonely fish. Why don't his owners want to keep him?? What did he do wrong???
I'm sad for the fish
And his accessories
B: Oh! Now I'm sad for you because you are sad for the lonely fish (plus accessories)
A: I am. And he will never know my plight😭
B: He probably doesn't even know he is a lonely fish (plus accessories)
A: I'm sure he is blissfully unaware of his status of 'lonely fish (plus accessories)'
B: He's just like "🐟🐠🐡I am a fish🐟🐠🐡"
A: That's all he knows. He has no idea he is (plus accessories)
B: Such a smol boy, no thoughts
A: Oh bless him
B: He's just a lonely fish (plus accessories)🥺🥺
A: He really is
*shows picture of Elvis (again, the cat, not the singer)*
A: He's just a cat (minus accessories)
B: Now I am sad the cat has no accessories
A: Oh please don't be sad! He can share the lonely fish accessories
B: Hurray!!
*A few weeks later*
A: I had at least 6 rum and cokes (singles)
B: 😂😂😂😂 (Singles)! Sorry, reminds me of the lonely fish 🐠 (plus accessories)
A: Well, I didn't want you to think I'd had 6 doubles I have too many f***ers to prove wrong
A: The real meaning of STEM: Shenanigans, Tomfoolery, Escapades, Mischief
B: "Science, Technology, Engineering and Maths" Please. I know a government ploy when I see one.
A: They lie.
They really do.
B: It's just what they want you to think.
A: STEM in reality is shenanigans"F*** the game. I said what I said."
"So, I've left a voicemail with the rabbi"
"...You know exactly the part that make me start SCREAMING "F*** YOU" repeatedly at my phone. You know."
A: Don't be brainself up now.
B: That is not a sentence, but ok."Hehehehe it's the 2 wolves inside: a silly goose and a cute-for-pics"
"The weight of normalcy doesn't make it ~right~"
(Whilst walking into the room) "And then Winnie the Pooh's like, "I couldn't hear you I had a bit of fluff in my ear"!"
A: Christ, how many Jones' are there?
B: Welcome to Wales.& now, a selection of genuine dating app profiles I've come across:
"Don't have to worry about meeting my parents, I don't have any." (O-oh!)
"Gender equality and that, you message me first"
(Additionally) "If loving this is wrong, I don't want to be right: Equality in the workplace"
Adam, 23: "Just broke up with Eve over a Granny Smith." (Ok, this guy wins 'most creative'
"As you can tell, just like Flappy bird, my game is dead."
(This truly terrifying trauma dump, and that's coming from me!) "My sister had a baby and I took it over after she passed away and the baby lost all its legs and arms and now its just a stump but I take care of it with my wife and... and its growing and its fairly happy... and its difficult because I'm working a second shift at the factory to put food on the table but all the love that I see in that little guy's face it makes it worth it in the end." (Like what's a gal meant to do with this?)
"A quick rant about: (in an angry Irish accent) MY HOUSEMATES KEEP LEAVING BANANA PEELS ON THE FLOOR IT'S REALLY *makes a steretypical, 1940s cartoon, falling on a banna peel noise*" (to be fair, it was a very good impression)
"Just casually being the coolest person on this app" (this was actually in response to me mentioning that I used to be a cosplay judge, lol!)
"Dating me is like having a migraine and an erection at the same time."
"F*** it. Organised rice." (WHAT. DOES. THIS. MEAN?!?)
"Yorkshire Tea is supreme"
"If you've been cocked back more than John Wayne's pistol, don't bother." (This one had me gagged, shooketh, still quaking, never recovering)
"Right, no one can convince me that Kangaroos are a real animal. Because if you're telling me that a squirrel that's about 6 foot tall and can box and has storage space is a real-life thing, then you're on another planet, mate." (Just about the best description I've ever read, David Attenborough eat your heart out)
"A random fact I love is: If you 🥜 in 2 minutes in 🐶 style that's actually 14 minutes in 🐶 years 🤯"
"Something that's non-negotiable for me is: *makes what can only be described as terrifying drowning Mario noises*"
A friend's review of me:
A (in a northern accent): This f***er has a massive p****, but he's only 5'8"-
B: -F*** OFF!
A (still northern): F***ing p***take.
C: *bursts out laughing*"The key to my heart is: COOKING AND CLEANING (I'll watch)"
(And now the best profile I have ever seen) Faheem, 23:
"Strengths:
Academic weapon
Fashion King
Somewhat funny (only on Tuesdays and Thursdays)
Besties with the Sheriff of Nottingham
Very cool
Weaknesses:
Too sexy
The favourite child
Busy fighting my inner demons :(
Can't use PowerPoint for s***
Opportunities:
Fun dates
Will accompany you to concerts and other such activities
Daily fun facts!
Will play Minecraft
Reviews (don't just take my word for it. Hear what my friends have to say!):
"Who?' - My Dad (aged IDK)
"I actively dislike him" - Patricia (aged 23)
"He's scared of women" - Lucy (aged 22)
"I'm only saying he's nice because he paid me" - My mate Greg (aged 37)I've ran out of things to say lol so here's me in a silly hat and me sailing the high seas into your DMsBook your FREE no obligation date today!!Only while stocks last"
"....You wouldn't steal a succulent Chinese meal." (No comment. Literally no comments)
"I recently discovered that someone saying they want a one night stand and one night stand are two very different things.
"My biggest date fail: Not knowing it was a date and walking around Cathays cemetery." (wow.)
Tristan, 21: " Who wants me?" (Evidently, no one Tristan. That's why you're on Tinder)
"One thing I'll never do again: Go to Slough"
(in the most unenthusiastic, monotone voice known to man) "A friend's review of me: My friend Ethan is just simply lovely. Um, he's a qualified counsellor so he'll stop you from being depressed. And um, he's also good at other things. Like pleasing me. So, I hope you're ready to third-wheel." (Great, Can't wait. Sign me right up!)
"Marilyn Monroe would have a hard time competing against you" (Oh stop it you!)
(Wildlife noises, birdsong, Justin in the voice of David Attenborough) "As we venture into the wild world of dating, it's not often that we come across a specimen like this. A man with a physique carved out of marble (I wish!) and a heart that beats for the thrill of the game. *David Attenborough voice falters* A-and his love for the ocean that knows no bounds. I speak of course, of Justin. With a passion for the gym, surfing and rugby, he's the ultimate package for anyone looking for a partner that's physically fit and mentally strong."
"The dorkiest thing about me is I have the tizz not the rizz"
(Paradoxically, another fine gentleman said) "[I look] Like a blurrly Marilyn" (so, y'know, to very different 'compliments' there)
"My most irrational fear: Moths, f*** those guys"
(Closely followed by) "My most irrational fear: bread"
"A random fact I love is: Bananas are slightly radioactive"
"God you're fit" (charming!)
"You should not go out with me if you have self-respect" (I- Well, excuse you!)
Tom, 23: "You are not unloveable, you are just sad and a little bit angry. Let's go have some soup." (This may genuinely be the best piece of advice/food for thought I had ever read)
More dating app shenanigans aka that time I legitimately stumped the male population with one, simple question: "Would you rather be a cowboy, a samurai or a pirate?" (yes, these are all real responses I got)
"That is a horrible question to try and answer"
"Don't start this the infinite loop of overthinking"
"This question has been troubling me for all existence" (I didn't mean to trouble you for all existence Kyle)
"Great question, depends on if it was now or at the height of their times. At the height, pirate. Now, cowboy without a doubt."
"Some combo of all? A cowmurate? Perhaps?"
"All of the above, don't make me choose."
"Bruh, I'd be Captain Billy the kid san"
"Why not all three?"
"I would rather be a wizard., but if I must choose, I'd be a pirate. I don't fancy pilaging or thievery but F*** I love maps."
And now, some reactions to memes
A: This sounds like the opening chapter to a murder mystery where the audience finally uncovers the truth by the end of the novel.
B: Oh my god, games night?
A: YES
ABSOLUTELY
B: Why do all our games seem to end up in murder?
A: ...Because we're bookworms Issy.
B: Yeah. That's the reason...
A: No other reason...
B: Nope
No other your honour
A: Deffo not
B: Of totally sound mind and body
A: ...I better get the lawyers to come up with a good alibi
B: I dig holes for a job???
I'll be honest, I have yet to meet an archaeologist not down to discuss murder in the first 5 minutes of meeting themA: Yeah, the price was social interaction
With the shopkeeper
B: The only tolerable kind 
A: What happened to Duo????
B: He is near death from waiting for you complete your lesson
Every time you complete a lesson, Duo lives to see another day*At seeing owl-themed products trending again*
A: NOOO STOP NOT AGAIN (I HAD OWLS ON MY NECK, ON MY BAG, IN MY ROOM, I CAN'T GO BACK TO THAT PLACE AGAIN)
B: Oh god the owl
Duo's plan for world domination round 2
A: Duolingo strikes againA: "Oh Christ, if Terry hasn't got his oven preheated yet, he's absolutely cocked it."
B: I literally have the final minute music on a study playlist because it makes me work faster
A: ...well yes!!
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