The final instalment...
I felt so embarrassed to ask for a *deep breath* a grande, iced, blonde, brown sugar, oat milk, shaken, espresso latte I wanted to cry on the spot.
A: A pun?!
In this Christian household?!
What will the children think of this!!!
B: Oh no. Not the children
Anything but the children
A: The poor poor Satan spawns"...and I had a cornetto for dinner"
"RELEASE THE QUACK"
"Hebe. This. Is. Excellent."
"Murders must be done flirtily? 👀"
A: Duck tape it to my wrist
B: DUCK TAPE DUCK TAPE DUCK TAPE DUCK TAPE DUCK TAPE
(In this world, you're either a Person A or Person B.
No, you cannot change my mind)HE'S IN THE DOMINICAN REPUBLIC HE'S PRETTY COSY OUTSIDE
A: Yeet the traitor
B: Fling him to his death"...two cheeks of the same butt"
"A selfish lover to boot"
"Actually, the tune I was whistling was biodegradable soooo"
"HE'S A LITTLE TEAPOT SHORT AND STOUT!!"
A: CINNAMON DINOS ARE YOU A GOD?! Oh my goodness! They're perfect, beautiful, I adore them!
B: Ikr!!! They have so much cronch!!! Very rated
A: CRONCHI HAD A LOT OF THOUGHTZ WITH A 'Z' FOR SOME REASON CLEARLY I AM VERY COOL
A: But you get the air too!
B: ✨ A I R ✨
A: N O M"YOU put ME on drugs?!"
"It's an ancient chicken nugget... an relic of a simpler time"
"Put your clothes back on Gran, we get it"
"All my friends are pirates and we sail the BBC!"
A: That is some agreeive toasty making 😂
B: It just like fell off in my hand 🙃Maybe don't drop acid or bombs Both are very dangerous Acid should be stored with proper equipment in a lab, Gemma
A: Who
What
Why
How
AHHHH
B: Hehehehehehe"Maybe the baby tree was having a nap"
"What that what in the whiplash is that"
"Can you help them shape that a**?"
"Houston, we have a mild concern"
A: That looks like the book the protagonist of a horror movie would find 15 seconds before getting haunted
B: Good. That was the aim. I was born in the wrong generation. I would like to have been born a cephaloped.
A: Twila the zombie slayer. Has a nice ring to it.
B: Are you comparing me to Sarah Michelle Geller? Cause I'll take it.
A: You're never be Buffy.
B: Darn... :("I have never felt more suspicious than when I was walking around fully sober carrying a giant child"
"B I G Y O S H I"
"My brain has turned to mashed potato"
"Not drunk, just British"
A: I have 80 zombies in a box at my flat
Does that me me cool?
B: That just makes you a hoarder
A: Every zombie is nessacery.
B: ...For what?!
A: Warhammer Fantasy
B: Oh thank f***
You're a nerd, not a necrophiliac.vegetarianism ==== lesbianism ADAM SAID I SMELL who wants to be my lesbian life partner
A: ...I had a nightmare and I was too scared to go back to sleep so I wrote in my diary until I had to get ready to leave for my 9am instead
B: Awwwwww
A: I murdered by mother
B: Some reverse Oedipus going on here"Nuuuu I have no sneak abilities 😭"
"I love to be late to literally everything I do"
"Shut up. I have the talking stick."
"Mr Butterfly fried my brain 😢"
A: Thank you Gemma, I am indeed, quacktastic
B: CorrectI've reached the point of insanity where I just sat on a park bench for 20 mins talking to a seagull about how hard it is being human and how I wish the only things I had to think about were: steal chips, make nest, protect babies The seagull sat with me the whole time. I named him Michael.
A: [showcasing various cans of empty Red Bulls] The product of reading portfolios
B: That is not good. No wonder you suffer from digestive turbulence
A: "digestive turbulence"?
I beg your f***ing pardon Peter "Uncle Stan, please stop trying to handcuff me to the table legs"
"Wait, so where's this PowerPoint I've been hearing all about?"
"The sledgehammer took me out (not literally)"
"stranded and sunburnt"
A: Also, forgot to say I got home 😂, stopped off at Tesco for breadsticks
B: Love that for youChoo choo? CHOO CHOO
A: I made the carpet go mouldy from spit from my trumpet
B: Is that a euphemism?
A: I wish it was..."Geoff please stop f***ing the cat"
"D'ya like jazz? (said not like The Bee Movie, instead The Terminal)"
"It is 1 pm and I've been asked whether I'd be interested in converting to Islam twice today"
"Kidnapping kids is so #aesthetic"
A: Also, now I have the "say you remember me" song stuck in my head
B: "Wildest Dreams?"
A: Yeeeee!
Wait no
The second to last song played
B: "You Belong With Me?"
A: YES
THAT
ONE
B: PROBABLY THE MOST FAMOUS TAYLOR SWIFT SONG BAR "Love Story"YOU NEED SOME MUSHROOM POT *update that sounds like a drug I'm sorry **you probably? don't need some mushroom pot
A: "A drum isn't a musical instrument" - Gordon Wride (my father), 2022
B: Gordon Wride isn't a musician - me, today"HE IS THE MOST MAJESTIC SO NEEDS A HIGHER PRICE"
"That is a loaf of bread and I refuse to believe otherwise"
"Beep boop, reading that was good soup"
"4th Gear is crunchy"
A: WTF is this?
B: Before BeReal existed, I got a calendar so I could remember every moment of the year :))
A: Damnnnnn
You were ahead of the game caveman style 😩That would be my assumption It would also be your assumption But apparently, not hers
A: As a motivation to everyone else-
I'm currently sporting a VERY QUESTIONABLE GOATEE
if you come, you get to marvel at it
B: Marvel I shall
C: Questionable?
D: All goatees are inherently questionable
Particularly ginger ones
C: Needs to be a goatee-off
Just rate all the goatees"I'm gonna lick every inch of your body including in between your toes"
*Benoit Blanc voice* "Are you implyin' to me that a shriamp managed to frah this rice? It's preposterous! But it intrigues meh so..."
"AHHHH THAT PLUSH! I WISH FOR IT THE CAPYBARA WHERE THAT NEEDS TO BE EMOJIS FOR!"
"Eat pasta, skake fasta"
A: We got him suckies
B: Adams making egg frfied rice
C: Is that an innuendo?
The suckies, not the egg fried rice
(Egg fried rice is always sexual)
D: I mean egg fried rice is sus
E: Egg fried rice is sensual*
D: Ahhhh sickies
I thought we were getting called that
A: No Gemma. Suckies.
C: "You mean to say this rice was fried by an egg?"I got lost in Rhiwbina Not to be confused with Ribena
A: Sam I miss your sweet lips (the lower ones)
B: Thanks I hate everything about that message
Cheeks would have been one thing
But lips
God in heaven (and now in hell too)
A: Guys c'mon I'm so cute come love me pls "I can nibble the hair off for you?"
"OH GOD IT'S HEREDITARY"
"Ah yes, 'Christina Bike', Christina Aguilera's lesser known identical twin sister"
"Time better slow down"
A: Asked my flatmate to be my valentine
He told me get Chlamydia and that I was a whore
What a success
B: Mission accomplished
C: Charming
D: and they say love is dead
A: the only thing dead will be me when he finally kills me 🥰
(I fear for my life)
E: Modern day romance at it finestHAHAHAHA I FORGOT ABOUT THAT (Context: I hid a ton of faces around Adam's room)
A: We're actually getting a divorce and neither of us want you
so we're putting you up for adoption
Surprise!
B: It's fine Imma have Carbonara
Bye
A: It's fine I have your hair in a pot I can just clone you"pickle pepper pizza"
"I'm a victim of identity theft"
"Shalloween Blumpkin"
"Ok, so your Dad has managed to 'lose' a family-sized bar of chocolate"
A: What Elvis are you listening to?
B: Last year they did an expanded edition of the car CD :))
A: Fantastic! I broke the car CD with my brake pedal!!
B: I might have a spare in my bedroom
... we have spare Elvis CDs in our household
What the actual heck is my family Look at this dumb, s***ty man So dumb and s***ty Nothing in his s***ty, dumb brain
A: Damnnn you got those knock-off Percy Pigs??
B: They make me feel so bougie
A: As they should"Speaking of cheese, where's the remote?"
"THE WOMAN GOT HER SAUERKRAUT!!!"
"Concrete shoes"
"Sailor Venus says: pay yo damn child support"
A: Lemonade, man
B: Man Lemonade 🤨😅I hope I'm not being, like, country racist Xenophobic That's the one
A: Captain America gets a part-time job at Primark
B: He's doing well to keep going at 103, either that or the US pension system is f***ed"BEEP BEEP why ya in the f***in' rOad?!"
"Cathays rat"
"Sorry butt I'll move it now in a minute"
"cwasson."
A: Nah cuz Disney's Hercules is almost 30 years old
B: Yep, that's how time works?
A: Oh well ya know it just took me off guard haha
I just find it crazy hold old all these films are getting, I remember watching them when I was younger
B: OHMYGOD! I'VE JUST CHECKED THE DATE
HERCULES CAME OUT '97
MY LAST BOYFRIEND WAS BORN IN '99
He's only 23
That's sooo far from being almost 30 don't scare me like that
A: phfttt sorry 🤣
B: *cries in twin towers collapsing* Ok, if there is not a giraffe present at my wedding I don't want it
A: I'm going to have sex with someone tonight
AND I THINK THAT PERSON IS GOING TO BE YOUUUU
B: D:
A: Emilila do you not want to have sex with me ;(
B: Adam keeps us apart "Tomatoes are so underappreciated"
"s***ing on company time 👍"
"I support climate change"
"I have once again been greeted with an eyeball image and following conversation of irrelevance, it eats away at me everytime. I hope one day my simple request will meet with a simple answer, but for now I suffer the everlasting torment of my friends"
A: POV I steal your kneecaps and Adam runs off with them
Also gotta appreciate the gangster Lottie
B: These are the photos I will post on your respective birthdays
A: Perf[sent to their family's group chat at 1:47 am] So I just found out that the brain finishes developing at the age of 25. So any bad decisions I make from now until then don't count, that's just me being a silly, goofy, goose who is still developing mentally
A: IT STILL LOOKS COOL
B: PLEASE
A: BRING THEM BACK
B: I HATE YOU MOM (not in reference to her mother)
A: I WISH YOU WERE NEVER BORN (again, this is not her child)"I taught myself how to square dance"
"(not secretly a cow)"
"And hey isn't Jesus like the bread of life or something"
"Hail satan my dudes"
A: BOOOOOOO
SHOULD'VE BEEN SENIOR CITIZEN
B: WHAT?!!
C: BUT SOMETHING ABOUT DINOSAURS ARE COOOL
F*** SENIOR CITIZEN THEY'RE BASIC B****ES
D: Why should it have been senior citizen? 😭[speaking about herself in the 3rd person] Lottie has entered the 3rd stage of complete mental lockdown Lidl chicken drumsticks looks like penises when the foreskin has been pulled back
A: Anyone want to form a spontaneous band with me where we only do Amy Winehouse covers, but the catch is there is no instrument or vocals, only silent interpretive dance
B: I love Amy Winehouse
I am the kind of person to spontaneously burst into song though but I will try my best
C: I'm in
A: I'm sorry Ryma, you're a liability as much as I want to kiss you right now
C: As long as we can do a silent nude interpretive dance cover of 'You Know I'm No Good'
With oil involved of course
B: 🥺🥺
A: There can be no sound, only soul sucking, intoxicating stares
or or or
a spontaneous band WITH instrumental and vocals
BUT
It's only heavy metal covers of Scouting for Girls
C: Adam on vocals
B: So we embrace chaos as was intended
A: OR OR OR
sets purely of the Steven Universe soundtrack "The best costumes are the big, ridiculous, inflatable ones"
"Does that mean I'm not an elf?! Is that not how he gets his workers!?!"
[upon receiving a TikTok] "Why would you subject me to this torture Molly?"
"Last time I got a tarot reading I changed my name and moved to the UK, leaving my home country of Tajikistan behind me forever"
A: *singing* You are just a microscopic cog in his catastrophic plan-
B: Awwwwww he knows I am for chaos!
A: *continued* Designed and directed by his RED RIGHT HAND!!🩸🩸
B: Period blood?
A: W-what?
No...
Gemma.
He murdered several menJust a girl holding a piñata called Keith on a broom on a Friday night
A: Ain't wrong there buddy boy 😎😎😎
B: 🥹🧸 I provide you with a buddy
A: Awwww 🥺🥺🥺🥺
I love him
I will kill for him now
He is new saviour
B: He is the light
The way
The almighty"Day 508 of asking whether we are going to Gassys this Tuesday night"
"Anything rod-shaped is fair game"
"Snow just be sussy"
[a 3am groupchat exchange]
A: Adam is extremely drunk
He smells like a slushie
Help me pls he's impossible to manage
He just drank more!?!
B: What flavour slushie?
A: A mango one
He's pretending to be sober
He went to the kitchen
Came back suspiciously "I am completely sober" after almost smashing his head against the ground several times
C: Because I already finished it all
D: Nothing like a glass of wine before bed
Legend
C: No more to drink :(
A: And he's drank some of my alcohol too
C: She said I can't move my. Feat
Geet
B: yeet
C: Imagine being able to go "I want fig rolls" at 3am
A: He's not going out anywhere sadly
D: Then have by 3:15
It's magic
A: I prefer my Adam in one piece
D: Omg Adam in 'One Piece' I love that anime
A: He just "accidentally" bought a pan for 50 quid
I have never grabbed a phone a cancelled an order quicker in my life
B: WHAT SORT OF PAN
C: It was a really cute mini pan
D: Oh my god
B: Why would a small pan be THAT MUCH
A: "no I'm not a w****" - Adam, 2023
Oh god, he's [Adam] making sandwiches now!
B: I love that lobster so much
C: Molly's a real one
D: Can confirm, she's a solid G
A: Adam, having eaten a sandwich, now wants T and A
C: *chanting* T AND A
T AND A
D: T and SlayI have been waiting for this day to come I am the lobster
A: They aliens made me delete it
B: Delete them"I'm a bad pirate 🏴☠️"
"😭😭😭 im NOT a hermit crab it was a JOKE because its called CHARLES and im CHARLOTTE the female EQUIVALENT 😭😭😭"
"Some people call me a feminist …others call me a terrorist"
A: But bookings are from September 2023 to August 2924
Gosh, that's long!
2924
Arghhh
2024 Even
B: I don't think I'll make it to 923 :(
A: I definitely won'tI got two b****es in my bed tonight a Russain w**** and Emilia Fjekskejsjrkejjskrkwjdjsjdjensufkrkwoqpqoqh3idiehqysjejaoduenqja
A: All moustaches are offensive moustaches
Except this man
His moustache cannot offend
B: Rob Swanson is immune
A: Rob Swanson is a higher being"So it wasn't your brother, but Elvis?! PLOT TWIST!"
"Tis my duplicate"
"We all came back and threw lemons at the wall - no further questions."
A: Who's getting Lidl merch with me
B: Why did I think this were merch for an upcoming Olympics?Yabber dabber doo One make me wanna shoot myself and the other one makes me want to put a spike through my head
A: Scooby Doo would definitely have eaten it!
B: Mum. Please don't tell me you've been feeding dog's chocolate.
Dogs can't eat chocolate.
I repeat.
Dogs can't eat chocolate."Not Santa'd 😭"
"This is my kingdom B****, not yours" [an actual quote from one of my lecturers, I wish I was kidding]
"IF IT'S IN A CAN IT'S AUTOMATICALLY FIZZY"
A: This is a bit technical for me
B: Oh sorry, I didn't realise there was advanced tea-making Goddamn you How dare you remind me of the satanspawn that is ✨t h e g a m e✨ You may however have a crumb of serotonin ☀️
A: *comforted pirate babbling*
B: I feel so comforted ...WHAT IS THIS WITCHCRAFT
A: MUAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
B: SO EVIL, but so so comforting 🥺"Good eaten on a bean"
"HAPPY QUACK NOISES"
"Damnit Molly, you're taken"
A: I made mashed potato without a potato masher once
B: That's rough, I hope with your fists, yeah?
A: With a wooden spoon actually :)
B: That feels like it would be more difficult, loveI have the 'Best of Both Worlds' stuck in my head again Also I really like biscuits
A: I wanna be a lawn flamingo for a bit
B: You would make the best lawn flamingo🦩"Nothing a knife can't fix"
"I'm so confused. What is happening in that clip of all the Disney Princesses?"
"I am a woman of many things, but hair clippers I am not :("
A: No, your hands aren't small, mine are smaller than yours they're small 🇳🇴
Oops Norway
B: Norway
Glory to Norway
C: GLORY GREATEST I'm sorry Sam, I was distracted by the Ratatouille themed lyrics
A: Uhm
You killed Lottie
B: Sorry one second *ahem ahem*
*puts on a Scottish accent*
FECK YOU I'M GOING TO FECK YOU
C: *Australian accent* Fack off cant "I mean I am reserving energy so that when I get home, I can game and stroke cats"
"We've kidnapped him"
"I AM CHIPS!"
A: Anything can be made aesthetic
✨✨~g e n o c i d e~✨✨
B: 🪦⚰️☠️⚱️
A: ✨💕✨~w a r c r i m e~✨💕✨I did not come to this seminar to have my praise kink outed, thank you.
A: How exciting was that guys
B: Thrilling tbh
C: I fckn jolted
D: My adrenaline so high rn
C: I thought the feds had finally found me
A: I thought the pop up viruses had finally settled in
E: Mine didn't make the noise 😭
C: We'll warn you if there's an incoming nuke 💕
E: Fun fact the library was a fun place to be for the alarm
F: Apparently the government decided that naps are cancelled today"Because she's a carrot"
"You brought Shrek into this, you deserve whatever happens next."
"*forces the heebie-jeebies upon you*"
A: Adam is not appreciating my attempts to play 'Chop Suey' on ukulele
B: But it's art
A: It truly is, and he does not recognise that
B: Then he does not recognise that
A: Down with Adam (there is no pitchform emojis) A big part of maturing is having to accept that Hula-Hoops don't put games on the back of their packets anymore
[Upon seeing the Lock Ness Monster at a climate change protest in Edinburgh]
A: She's a well-traveled, cosmopolitan culturally fluent woman
B: She also looks hella derpy
But she's fighting the fight against climate change
So good on 'er
A: How dare you insult her! She's trying her best to breathe on land, ok?
B: I'm sorry Nessie
Please don't eat me
A: Nom nom nom
B: Honestly this is an honourable way to go I think
Eaten by a mythical creature in the name of climate change
A: Imagine that on your gravestone"Procrastination is an art and I am the master"
"HOW CAN I UNF*** MY F***ERY"
"You smell like FACE"
[A compliment war, we love it when women support women]
A: But Gemma, you are my oxygen
B: 🥺🥺🥺 And you, my glucose 😎
A: Uhmmmm, you are my markers not failing my essays
B: You are my team member helping pull through an asignment and doing the actual assignment
A: You are the 12 year old baby emos from Swansea who compliment me when they see me in town
B: You are the road man in Slough who are my hype man when I rebel slighly in class and gass me up (all in a nice way)
A: You are the elastic bands I use to tie my vest at the back that make me looked snatched af
B: You are the plushies I have as an adult that when I hug give me lots of serotonin
A: Uhmmm
You are Jacksepticeye