Stuff I've heard at Uni with absolutely no context whatsoever: vol. 1

Oh, you thought this series was over?

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• "Shrek would have absolutely tw**ted Loki ngl"

• "llama glamorous the third is my spirit animal" (surprisingly, this isn't one of Charlotte's!)

• "What I am about to do has not been approved by the Vatican."

Get on with it you slimy bilge rat… as my mother once said whilst on a pirate ship in Jamaica

A: My laptops doing the blowy thing it does before giving up on running
B: Fry an egg on it

• “Studying languages at uni is like doing English lit on steroids”

• "You’re legally a teenager, but not naturally”

• “So wait where were we? Oh right, yeah, so we’re taking over the world..."

A: There is an ice-cream van going round and its playing Greensleeves
... but on like the ice-cream van xylophone or whatever
B: What a bop tho 

For some reason one of my shoes has like blood smeared over it??? Who did I kill?

[A conversation about our Lord & Saviour, Jumbo Pierre the Penis Body Pillow]
A: What
B: Ahahaha nooooo
C: Why is his face so happy?
D: There are so many responses to this
C: Sorry I'm assuming he's a he, Pierre can identify as whatever they want
A: Not Pierre 😭
C: Or is his first name Jumbo and his last name is Pierre???
A: I like the name Pierre but it's actually quite funny because it just means stone in French, so thousands of French people are calling their kids a stone every year
C: So Pierre is a rock-hard dick??? 😂😂😭 I'm dying
A: Yes
B: I want Pierre
C: I would love to see you both on a date
Just walk into Prezzo
with Pierre obvs, otherwise what's the point
A: Guys I'm f***ing WHEEZING here
STOP ✋😭
B: If the only dick I get is a pillow so be it
C: That just made the quotebook
A: 💀
C: I vote we band together to get Pierre
B: What like in nursery what you get to take the class toy home for a week
C: Yeah, or like the school hamster or whatever
B: Who gets to take Pierre first?

• "Driving can wait, the clothes can't!"

• [sees an Instagram post stating 'I think I will cause problems on purpose'] "✨I don't think I've seen a thing I've related to more✨"

• “I’m not holding you hostage for you to do nothing”

A: Autocorrect is kink shaming my texts and I'm not happy with it
B: Get Apple on the phone

I swear I don’t know what I'd do without Pinterest (not my quote, but yes, this is a hint to check out my Pinterest 😉)

A: No, we do not speak of uni or work after 10pm 👮✋ 
Banned
B: Oh I can soooo get behind this rule
A: I've passed it
No democracy here just damn good decisions I make
At least Socrates would approve lol
A: Jen is the only authoritarian ruler I would pledge my allegiance to
B: You are blessed dear citizen
A: Thank you oh mighty leader *does an impressively low bow* 

• "Oh my God, imagine a show about a trio of gen z witches stressing over newts"

• "Please tell me this is Lord Byron being as dramatic as f***"

• "And I'm there like, Pinterest and naps"

A: Loving the use of the cowboy emoji btw
B: I always use it now it really jazzes up the vibes 🤠
C: Why did I read that as "jazzes up my vibrator"
A: When I thought that quote couldn't get any better
B: 🤠 yeehaw says let's stop ✋
C: Safe word??
B: yeehaw or stop? 
It really depends if I'm honest
C: Yeehaw
B: Cultural appropriation 🚨
A: Better loose the cowboy shirts in my wardrobe then
B: Roméo and Rodeooo
A: I would pay to see that
C: Won't judge you if you pay for certain things
A: OH for Pete's sake

Thank you 🥺 I love interpreting club crawls as mobile orgies 🥵

A: I don't get why people keep saying run and coke. I think it should just be called fun Coca Cola from now on. Not to be confused with the other fun coke.
B: What the f*** did I just read
A: You just read an intelligent thought

• [An actual quote from one of my lecturers] "Wow. That is a pink slide. I love hot pink."

• [An actual quote from one of my lecturers] "Any scientist who says they're 100% sure about anything, don't trust that dude."

• [An actual quote from one of my lecturers] "Not that it would be ethical for me to advocate home taping. It's killing music, kids."

• [An actual quote from one of my lecturers] "That might be it, but at least the welsh provision is quite well provisioned"

A: That sounds like a mobile orgy
B: I'm down
C: Do you two wanna get a room? Like shall I leave you to it? 
A: It'd be my pleasure 
B: As long as it complies with the minimum room size please
A: Oh boy better get mah tap measha oot
C: Or I suppose if it's an orgy, you'd need more people? 😅
D: As group mum I feel like I shouldn't be privy to this conversation
A: You're not group mum, your shift ends at 8
C: And the category is "conversations you wouldn't want your mum hearing"
A: Can you imagine us on Mock the Week?
B: Omg 
Yes
A: I think Hugh Dennis'd shoes are too big to fill
B: This group is missing a fit dad tho
D: Alas I'm going to have to switch to group aunt
C: Dunno about group mum, but the fun aunties or cool babysitter I can do
A: Oh s*** Cha, we're being left unsupervised

Life update: Had a identity crisis at 2am and nearly ate pottery 😅👌 But we move

[My friend group in a nutshell]
A: Jen don't you f***ing dare
JEN!!!
B: I dare you all
C: Jenny I cannot agree with this decision more
B: Come touch me b****es
D: No thanks
B: fIGHT ME

• "I'm a bit of a slut for the London underground"

• "You lost a cow the size of Clifford the Big Red Dog at a Tesco's?"

• "Lithuania's song is out there..."

[A 2am conversation - yes this was the start of the conversation, nothing happened to prompt this]
A: Cleoooooo get out of the waterrrrrrr
B: EMMMAA THE CONDENSATIONNNN
A: Hey twila
Love these early morning thoughts

also I can and will keep melting your heart, you send me cute babies I retaliate with fire wait, no. I'm not burning them lmfao scratch that

A: Guys I've got a business idea
All terrain slippers
B: ...I believe those are called shoes??

• [An actual quote from an academic text I had to read for my assignments] "They were a little too smart, somewhat too alert, thanks to amphetamines."

• [An actual quote from an academic text I had to read for my assignments] "One person may respond positively to the government spokesman's latest announcement about economic policy while another may feel like throwing the cat at the television (or vice versa)."

• [An actual quote from an academic text I had to read for my assignments] "Unfortunately, the club met an ironic fate. Having been the birthplace of 'wrecking', a wrecking ball destroyed it in 1988, levelling it to make way for a post office."

• [An actual quote from an academic text I had to read for my assignments] "Psycho-sexual Elvis/Werewolf hybrid from hell and guitar-slinging soul-mate Poison Ivy (the ultimate bad girl vixen) are the architects of a wicked sound that distills a cross of swamp water, moonshine and nitro down to a dangerous and unstable musical substance"

• [An actual quote from an academic text I had to read for my assignments] "but they sure as hell had heard of Darts and Showaddywaddy and they undoubtedly knew 'who put the bomp in the bompshoobompshoobomp' never mind the fucking ramalamadingdong"

A: 1. I'm in, all I need now is to have a kid in the first place
2. oh f*** yeah that's satisfying, shred it again 🥶🥵
B: Well that's 2 sentences that should not be taken out of context...

Ah, there's the problem. Never question words They hate interviews

A: Wait can you send pictures here
No
B: Ahahahah reason 183 why us lot cannot use technology well enough to be gen z

• "being in a cold country shouldn't stop you looking swag as f*** my g"

• "I ejaculate from my ears. I ejaculate from my bicycle."

• "I swear Ru Paul is just the Capitol in disguise"

A: Looked on Ebay for suitably slited cheap ballgowns, got bored, looked for daggers on Etsy, most are incredibly expensive, stressed about if you need a license for one, started looking at hat pins
B: ...Well that was a rollercoaster of a text

No it's fibre -fine Though do remember to have fibre kids

A: The council does not discuss such important matters
B: Kalvin, if sundresses can be used to seduce and destroy the patriarchy I NEED to know
A: I would be risking my entire future, my place in council and the career I could potentially have it it
B: ...for me?? 🥺🥺
A: hmmm
yeah it's worth risking it I suppose 
[gives explanation]
this is sensitive information mind, be vary wary who you pass it onto
B: I must alert the council immediately 
I have photographic evidence that Kalvin has committed high treason
A: I knew it 👁👄👁

• "Your chemical factory going on strike is not something you need to apologise for"

• "Love a comfy cocoon"

• "We're just moths with intelligence"

[Sends a photo of her laptop on a pile of pillows]
A: It looks like some revered emperor atop of its plinth of pillow
B: The cheap girls version of a laptop bean bag

Why are our conversations so chaotic And why am I listening to a Brazilian radio station?!

A: [Sends photo of them lying in bed, unable to sleep at 1am]
B: [Responds with a photo of them lying in bed, also unable to sleep] Two households, both alike in dignity
A: I'm getting Romeo and Juliet vibes from that text but I know jack about it

• "I swear to god if France don't tighten up their radio laws-"

• "Why the f*** do I want garlic bread at 10 in the morning???"

• "Ok so it seems like I stole a book"

[Reading 'Harry Potter' in Welsh]
A: THEY CHANGED NORBERT'S NAME TO NERYS
Can dragon's be gender-fluid??
B: Guess so
A: Fflwffyn 🥺🐶
B: Better than ‘fluffy’ 😩
A: There's just SO MANY Fs
I CAN'T EVEN WITH WELSH SOMETIMES
B: Huffleouff is Wfftiwff
A: DID YOU NOT KNOW??
It's literally my favourite thing
C: Oh my God!
Dying
B: I DONT KEEP UP WITH WELSH LANGUAGE BANTER I ONLY KNEW ABOUT THE FRENCH POUFSOUFFLE
C: You what now?!
A: THAT'S THE FRENCH WORD FOR HUFFLEPUFF 😂💀💀
B: YESS 🤣

Tell Aviv's radio stations are absolute vibes And Sudan's is just pure Arabic, it's quite intimidating actually

A: What should I paint on my denim jacket?
B: Memes

• "Cuz academia is old as f*** and can't do interneting"

• "F*** fancy words"

• "I am the ghost of an old bottle of vodka"

[After England lost the Euros 2020]
A: Right. Love Island?
B: Gonna play some Stardew Valley to get over my trauma :( 
C: Two very different reactions there

A: Hee got some goodies B: Whaaaat?! A: Wait that came out wrong