Stuff I've heard at Uni with absolutely no context whatsoever: vol. 2

2 years down, 1 to go...

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Hehe not flooded! Ah f***

• "Why would I be productive when I can ho on wattpad?" (mood)

• "I couldn't give less of a s*** about academia I just have anxiety and want to prove people wrong" (also mood)

A: Guys I have an addiction problem
Pls don't judge
Let this be a safe space
B: What's up hun? x
A: Quavers
Had 3 packs
B: Oo now I want some

I feel very Elle Woods or like Barbie running for President

A: Here's a fun fact - my Peruvian flag has just been dispatched 😎
B: Excellenté
... why have you got a Peruvian flag?
A: Because I f***ing LOVE me some Peru

• "(Sorry I was battling a cat)"

• "I need to stop watching interviews with serial killers on YouTube 😂"

A: But it shall stain your conscience forever
B: ...you believe I have a conscience?

I'm currently writing an essay on how Donald Trump became president via social media and memes ....It's a very serious degree I do I promise

A: Blame James, I usually do 😂
B: I am definitely going to blame James
Not sure what for
But I'm definitely going to

• "Yes Cambridge, I can approach Queen Lizzy. She has all the answers to plagiarism"

• "Covid's not that big of deal, bit overrated really."

A: A MAN CAN DREAM
B: MARTIN LUTHER KING JR HAD A DREAM ONCE AND HE'S DEAD
A: I AIN'T DEAD YET
B: WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE?!
A: N O

or any colour cus it's a f***in' fairy ...I realise without context that probably sounds really homophobic

A: Watch it Morris
B: With my eyesight? You're hoping
A: I'm hoping?
B: I don't know which is which, but I'm either shortsighted or longsighted
A: Oh I get you
B: Glasses jokes 😅👓o

• "JSTOR is p***ing me off so I'm going to go take 10 mins to make a cup of tea"

• "Don't epilate your armpits"

A: Twila, if you can perform on stage in clogs and not die of embarrassment you can get up and do a country number (Dolly Parton wig preferred, but not essential).
B: Well "9 to 5" is a classic
A: Whyd no Dolly emoji?
Who do I complain to?

you are both gaslighting and gatekeeping me but don't worry, I will girlboss on your behalf

A: ITS CUTE
B: TIS
BUT MY SMOL HEART CANNOT HANDLE THE CUTENESS
A: THEN LET IT EXPLODE
B: B-but ...I'll die? 🥺

• "Be less covid-y 😷"

• "You are practically not born yet"

A: Assault
B: YOU'RE GOING TO GET MURDERED ANYWAY

...but did you take heroin, get any daddy issues resolved and find Madeline McCann?

A: Kalvin cannot be trusted
B: Really why?
A: Because he speaks against me
B: I'm pretty sure branding anyone who speaks out against you as untrustworthy comes under tyranny and dictatorship, which I believe is frowned upon in most countries

• "Let me have my greek tragedy Issy"

• "Ah yes, the 8-year-old son of Prince William and Kate Middleton, player and baby daddy extraordinaire"

A: I feel threatened
B: all he wants is hugs!
A: WiTh An AxE!?!?
B: Axe hugs!!!
Maybe that is just for looks,
He just scared
A: Aw well bless him

Didn't realise I was dating a canadian not that I hold any prejudices

A: Hahaha
I have no bum
B: I hate my a***
Quite literally
A: I'm trying to build my bum like build a bear
B: Personally I never get why people want big b***s/bums
A: I do!
B***s meh
Bum yes please

• "I know what it's like to have my allegiance stand with a piece of fabric, though"

• "I'm not untying you from that train track"

[Discussing cosplaying Spiderman]
A: Although, we both know you can squirt sticky white substances out of your
B: S T O P
A:...wrists

It's a cute idea But a recipe for incest

A: Won't be available for a couple hours but think about quiche whilst I'm gone
B: Jesus Christ
I'll tell you what
Quiche
F***ing quiche
Why does it look so much like pizza

• "I forgot my feminist buzzwords momentarily"

• "ahh but I feel there's a certain beauty to old burnt cheese on your toast maker"

[Discussing Dreamwork's 'Flushed Away' (2005)] 
A: DON'T CALL ME OUT LIKE THAT, RODDY WAS ONE OF MY FIRST CRUSHES
B: 😂😂😂😂😂 YASSSSS
A: All I ever wanted to be was Rita
Not going to lie, Roddy DOES explain so many of my life choices 😅😳😳
Ohmigawd Roddy was played by Hugh Jackman, again explains so much

He has a very nice bum And tbf I was expecting that

A: Only the bears survive
B: Well, and us, I'd hope haha
A: No
I will be a martyr for the bears
A: You and James can leave, but I must remain to go to the land of fluffy paradise
B: Very revolutionist of you. To love the bears so much you'd die for their happiness

• "IT'S A HEDGEHOG OF SPARKLE! A FABULOUS HEDGEHOG!"

• "Fluffy boi?"

A: Do you remember Mr Jackson threading to murder us all if one of us went over 12,000 words? As in actually murder us?
That was a fun day
B: HE GUILT TRIPPED US ABOUT HIS DOG!
A: "IF I GET ARRESTED FOR MURDERING YOU ALL SHE WON'T HAVE A HOME TO GO TO! LOOK AT HER AND TELL ME SHE DOESN'T DESERVE A HOME!!"
B: To be honest, that was actually good motivation
A: It was
I just couldn't believe someone could threaten me with murder so nicely 

Guess I'll go on a date with my pillow In bed As I am constantly tired

A: Blowing my fringe out me eyes
Don't know how to spell hoofing it 
or if hoofing it is a real word
B: Huffing?
A: ohhh
That's how it's meant to be spelt
I'm just northern
We pronounce "u" as "oo" 
I didn't realise how bad I'd gotten
oh no

• "It's a pog-hole"

• "My flatmate just RUINED my eyes! I just had to awkwardly shuffle away like 'oh' and make a cup of tea"

A: Eton daddys
B: Lol get in there Jen

the purest love is flying you across the world so you can get zapped by radiation and have to hide for a year

A: CATCH THE MONEYMAKER
B: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN
A: TAKE PICTURES OF MY MONEYMAKER
B: ...your d***?
A: MY FACE
LOOK AT MY FACE, TWILA
B: DOES YOUR FACE MAKE MONEY?!?
A: IT SHOULD
I AM BEAUTIFUL 

• "I swear if I ever become a communist or a socialist it's because a landlord f***ed me over"

• "Get ready for me to contribute absolutely nothing whatsoever!!"

A: I mean, jumping to conclusions helps no one, right?
B: But I am very good at jumping

Ready to say 'aight you f***er, you 'ad one bloody job and you c***ed up' in ✨corporate✨

A: My sword looks so cool
B: Photographic evidence of you illegally unsheathing it there
A: Worth it
B: Tell that to the judge
It does look fairly swanky
You should keep it in the kitchen and make sandwiches with it when people come over as a flex
Slice the bread, spread the butter
Then legally it's not a weapon
C: My sword is bigger 😎
A: Definitely illegal to unsheathe it
B: I used to fence and have multiple swords 
All family sizeable
Not to be that guy

• "You hear about the Japanese diplomat in Kiev who refused to leave and is defending the city with a samurai sword and his family's samurai armour? I like that energy."

• "HANG THE WARLOCK"

A: WAATER
WOOODER
I DO BOTH
B: WART-ER
A: So I say "wart"?
B: No you don't
But you should

I am a legend, never forget that.

A: Goddamnit I just got sucked
*ducked
DUCKED
I PROMISED I MEANT DUCKED
B: dw
I know you meant sucked 😇 
A: 😑

• "iT wOn'T gO dOwN mY ~eSoPhAgUs~"

• "I'm more gay now... BUT FOR WHOM"

(If you have made it this far, congratulations, you have lost the game ;)