2020 Edition; June
A: What game?
B: Final Fantasy
C: I only play Crossy Roads 😂
A: ...People still play that??“Again, sorry for spamming but it's vent or cry and I've just moisturised” (Honestly I don't blame her)
“I just want to read fanfics, is that too much to ask??”
“So you can do the hanging. *pause* …No wait, that sounds wrong.”
[A midnight conversation]
A: Aloo
B: Yay! I’m not the only one wide awake
A: I’m listening to the Italian national anthem
B: Ok…“Just leave me and my weak body in my comfy burrito please”
“The diplocaulus… yeah I’m just gonna call you triangle-head”
“I’m gonna lose all my food... Will it be worth it? Probably not.”
Welcome to Eurovision 2.0 New and improved
A: It makes you feel like a witch. B: Well yeah, that’s why I have it.“Look at him! He has tiny arms!”
[On Llamas and Alpacas] “Walking them is fun and I love their haircuts 😂”
“Why? Because I have the money.”
A: Iceland’s Eurovision tune this year was a banger
B: Omg it was the best Oh my gosh this is angelic
A: Ooooo
B: +2 for originality I like thissss“Oh, I LOVE a good drawer!” (Could you sound more middle-aged?)
“Who sells a potato sack for £1200?!”
“I’m a f***ing tangerine”
Just chill guys Eat some chocolate or something
A: Why am I reading about sleep paralysis?!?!
This isn’t good
B: NO DON’T LOOK INTO THAT
A: Don’t worry cos if you can stay awake all night you definitely won’t get sleep paralysis 🤓
B: Cha don’t be a sleep consultant
A: Damn I was gonna go into that
Should I cancel the internship at the sleep clinic??
B: Oh s*** sorry I didn’t mean to shatter your dreams“This is ‘Harry Potter’ in a nutshell: ‘Oh, how did I get into this nutshell? EXPELLIARMUS! Now I'm free!”
“I have a special place in heart for Estonia” (Well, don't we all?)
“I'm soaring across the clouds over the icy plains”
A: Why is Dumbo sadly vibing in a corner?
B: beCAUSE HE'S DEPRESSED! DON'T LAUGH! HE IS BABY!“It's just the devil chilling on someone's chest"
“I'll suffer alone then”
“I don’t want my tiny toe plastered on the internet” (Does anyone?)
I watched a relaxing documentary about Saudia Arabia before I went to bed I’m regretting it
[On university ranking tables]
A: Your uni could be bottom by the time you graduate
B: I will be Pope by then so it’s fine
A: You are already the Pope sorry
B: Ahhh yes, I sometimes forget the gravitas of the situation “But you would have seriously heightened the banter”
“You're in a hole with *Insert Teacher’s Name*?”
“Oh my god, I would hate to chop my arm off!”
A: THIS IS LIKE EUROVISION BUT WITH NATIONAL ANTHEMS!
B: Love Eurovision. (We know Charlotte, we know)“I’m darker than a barbecue Pringle”
"It’s quiche, but not as you know it”
"*Insert Teacher’s Name* doesn’t want my mad guitar skills"
This is what I do when people try to kidnap me! It’s happens all the time! It’s happened like, 10 times this week!
A: That’s where you’re mistaken
B: That’s where you’re misguided“This is nowhere near enough sauce. S***!”
“I started bopping to random songs in the bathroom”
[looking at her collection of felt tips] “It’s growing! I’m a proud mother."
A: …I ate all the biscuits.
B: BLASPHEMY!
A: -It’s not blasphemy, that’s not how it-
B: BLASPHEMY! This is a disgrace on society! I trusted you, I thought you were my friend!
A: -It’s not blasphemy, this has nothing to do with religion.
B: *whispering as exits* ....blasphemy!“It’s just constant sweating and sunburns”
"…Now, why do I smell burning?"
"I have a flash of inspiration then I’m like nahhh"
“Don’t just chomp down on it!”
A: *MaKeS aNgRy ReCoRdEr NoIsEs*
B: *MaKeS aNgRy BiScUiT-eAtInG nOiSeS*
C: *MaKeS aNgRy WiG nOiSeS* F*** this I hate myself And Lucy Mostly Lucy
[That time my mate abso-freakin’-lutely obliterated a Facebook scam texter with a Joe Lycett style response]
A: Hey B🥰
I hope you don’t mind me messaging you to ask - but I wondered if you might be able to help me at all 🙏🏼
I’m currently starting a new job looking for girls that would like help getting healthier/fitter or that wanna make money on social media in their spare time! 🙋🏻♀️ (or both!)
Do you know anyone that might be interest in either of these? Xx
B (aka my mate): Hey A, good luck with your new job!
Unfortunately I can’t think of anyone that might be interested as most of my friends are happy with their high salt and fat diets - seems to be working for them at the moment 😊 I am currently a brand ambassador for a Scottish company promoting the wellbeing of the rare green tailed alpacas so can’t take on any more responsibilities!
Best wishes x
A: No worries!! Thank you anyway 😁 xx (You would think at this point that my mate would stop but no, B kept going)
B: Glad you understand, I really like to support causes close to my heart xx
A: (Presumably trying to leave the conversation to find a new victim) Definitely!! Xx
B: [Sends a random gif of an alpaca] I’ve actually met this particular alpaca (A likes both the gif and the text, why?)
A: He/she is adorable (The emojis and kisses have stopped my mate’s clearly worn A down)
B: He’s called John and is from the outer Hebrides
A: (Completely unsure of where this is going) That’s a great name
B: Yeah he looks like a John (Whilst A has stopped with the emojis and kisses she did like text, again, why??)
He’s carrying some excess fat round his tummy
A: Aww bless him
B: Maybe he would be a good candidate for your healthy eating programme?
A: Definitely 🤣
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